The Meaning of Life

Isn't it funny how you can walk through life so sure of everything that's happening in your life is the best it can be, and in that you feel secure because you know how good you have it, but then something changes. Something makes you catch your breath and reopen your eyes to the beauty of the world that you were slowly becoming numb to. That's how it was for me last year before I met my husband. Some might think I'm obsessive, some might think I'm eccentric, a select misguided few might even say pathetic. But here's the game changer. If you were once walking around like the best thing that ever happened and then were awakened to an emotion and view so drastically different but so radiantly beautiful, why WOULDN'T you be obsessive or over the top about it?

So much of our lives we desperately seek things to fulfill ourselves. We look to friends, family, spouses, significant others, coworkers, bosses, anyone in our lives that might just give us the answer to the life long question: What's the meaning of life? Now I'm not one with all the answers, but I can tell you what my life's meaning was compared to what it is now. 

Before I met my husband and had my life change, for the better, I was only about money and getting everything I knew I deserved. Trying to get the best job and education I could in a field that not only paid well, but one that I wouldn't feel like I was stuck my whole life. I started working and going to school always with the mind set that once I get a nice, shiny, new car I'll be good. Once I get a nicer apartment I'll be fine. Better make that a house. And while we're at it I might as well throw in a killer wardrobe and seriously extensive makeup collection. Oh, better throw in getting my hair and nails done religiously just to be sure. The list went on forever of what I needed to be happy, what I thought life was about. Acquiring things. But they're just that. THINGS. 

Now here's what it's changed to since meeting my husband and contuing every day to grow closer to Christ. We had a house and moved into a nicer one. That we had to leave because someone didn't believe our financial status, so now we're back at my parents like teens. But our nights are still fun loving and passionate with each other. It may be like high school, but we get to experience the butterflies and nervousness like high schoolers. Which have never truly gone away for me since I met the love of my life. It's about spending as much time as we can watching our kids grow and become so full of life with laughter and smiles that make us forget every stress that's been thrown our way. It's comforting our children after disappointments and kissing their owies away. It's Disney movies on repeat with popcorn and cuddles instead of getting "turned up" every weekend. It's going without date night and new necessities so the kids can have the best of everything we never had. Life is about looking into your spouses eyes and having no doubt or regret about choosing to marry them. It's about being strong when you see that your spouse is struggling with baby blues from their new 'not so hot anymore' body (my husband is a pro at making me feel beautiful and sexy). Life is about anything BUT money or things that money can buy. 

So many people just strive for the face of a good life instead of truly taking advantage of the moments that they're letting slip through their fingers. Even as we speak. I may be broke, wearing old stained and torn clothes, making dinner at home instead of going out, going to the park instead of the zoo, but life is at its fullest right now. Our kids love us and we love them. We know what life is about because our kids have taught us that life is about spending time with the ones you love, not trying to get more stuff. Life isn't a competition yet so many people try so hard to one up whoever they believe their enemy is.

I AM HAPPY. I will always be happy as long as I never let go of what's truly important. My family and friends. Nothing else can compare to the moments they make me laugh or the moments they catch my tears. I am forever grateful and forever in love with what my amazing God has chosen to give to me. 

So open your eyes and see what's important. Put down the credit cards and cash at the mall or online and go make some memories. Forget about everyone and just BE HAPPY. If anyone tries to rain on your parade just tell them to go away and continue to live with happiness in your heart knowing that your kids, spouse, family, and friends will remember you how they should. THERE. Don't be absent from life. Take part and enjoy the ride. Remember, God loves you and will always love you. No matter how far you stray, no matter the evil you've been harboring in your heart, God will ALWAYS love you. And you know what? So will I. Even if you don't deserve it. 

-Mrs. C

Loving Your Spouse Even When It's Difficult

Sorry I've been MIA recently, juggling a newborn and 3 kids while my husband is out of town definitely takes it's toll. Even if two kids were just here for the weekend.

My husband working out of state has been one of the most emotionally stressful times I've gone through. Granted I was a Marine wife once before while he was still active duty but I didn't truly love him like I love my husband now. It's so crazy to look back and compare how I thought I loved my ex to how much I actually love my husband.

Joey has been gone for a week and a half since bringing the kids and myself back after another previous two weeks out of town. And it's killing me. So much is happening while he's gone that every small moment I wish I could share with him. In everything I do or see throughout the day I can't wait to talk to him about it. He truly is the love of my life and he does everything he can to show me that he feels the same way I do.

My whole adult life I've had one really bad and abusive relationship after another. Then I met my husband and everything turned around completely. He made me believe in love and life again. He showed me that there was still beauty in the world. Mostly, he showed me what love really means. He showed me how a real man treats a woman and what I'm worth. He sees the beauty in me every day even when I believe I'm not even close to being decent. When I feel like my world is falling apart he pulls it all together and refocuses me towards Christ and where our marriage should be going.

Over the years I know we'll have fights and doubts; hard times and even harder times; but one thing I will know undoubtedly through it all is that he loves me. I know he loves me more than he's ever loved a woman before. How? Not only does he tell me and show me, but all the time he makes a conscious effort to be on my side and love me despite my flaws. This, without any doubt in my mind, is exactly the kind of love God knew I needed. Without my knowing or guessing,  God literally created the perfect man. Perfect for me that is. He evens me out and completes me. As cheesy as that sounds its so true! He has qualities and traits that I lack and vice versa. Our love is eternal and deep. A kind of love I honestly only thought existed in Hollywood productions.

With that being said... HE COMES HOME THIS WEEKEND! Words cannot express how incredibly excited I am about it AND we might even get a date night courtesy of my parents.

Something that I've learned so far over the past 10 months is that you have to work harder than you thought you needed to keep your marriage passionate and thriving. You can't just let yourself fall into a rut or get into a thought process where you falsely start to believe marriage is give and take. Marriage is 100% give from both spouses. If you live to please your spouse and make them happy, then naturally they should want to do the same for you.

Technically, I'm still a newlywed, but I do know that with all the marital help and tips I get from my Christian motivation pages have helped me see how marriage is supposed to work as opposed to how marriage will inevitably fail. I am so glad that my husband and I BOTH take action every day to make sure our marriage doesn't fall in the cracks of every day life. Even if its a simple moment of sincerity where your raw emotions are being shared with each other.

I love my husband. Every thing good and bad about him makes me love him more every day.

-Mrs. C

Baby Bump Update

About a week ago I was curled up in bed, crying, and wishing I could move. The back pain was so intense, so excruciating, that every tiny movement felt like an earthquake. Walking was next to impossible and being able to take care of myself was unfathomable. The next day my mom came to take Julia for the day, and she had returned a few hours later with food (I couldn't go downstairs and get myself anything) and a pregnancy back brace hoping it would give me some relief. Almost a full week later, with using my brace a few hours each day, I'm able to walk. I'm able to go downstairs. Im able to not worry about how I'm going to the dr. And for the first time in almost a month and a half, I was able to make dinner for my family without feeling any pain or discomfort from my back or contractions!

Praise God, because I was incredibly worried and slipping into a depression. Being virtually chained to a bed, with no company, and not being able to even do the simplest of tasks made me feel so small and insignificant I could barely stand it. Thanks to a $30 purchase my mom made, and some initiative from me to wear it as often as I can, I'm able to function as a human again. Granted, I still can't work due to my dr watching my blood pressure like a hawk and the chance of contractions because I've already gotten them so often, but I can walk. I can go downstairs on my own. I can make the kids lunch and go to the park with them. These small things seem like huge triumphs for me and I'll gladly brag and boast about it.

When God strips your life of everything that's excess you start to realize exactly what's important and what you thought was important but was just a desire. I've learned, grown, been humbled, and have definitely seen Christ through my struggles and difficulty through the past couple of months with this pregnancy. For a while I had faded into the darkness, retreating into a much too familiar pit of self loathing and insecurity. But by the grace of God, and solely through Him, I have been brought back to the light and reminded that I never need to worry or feel worthless.

In 2 days I'll be 30 weeks pregnant with my second child and first son. I'll be 9 weeks, at most, from giving birth to our son. And today I'm feeling empowered and renewed thanks to a small gesture that meant everything to me. My mom and dad have been such a blessing since we found out I wasn't able to work anymore until after the baby is here. And I cannot express how without God in my life and without Him being the center of my marriage and my husband's life too, I wouldn't have gotten through this rough time as quickly and easily as I did. And it definitely wasn't that easy in my opinion.

Never take the simple things in life for granted. Because in an instant your life could be turned upside down and all of your constants turned into variables. Love life, love your family, love your friends, and be passionate without hesitation. But most of all, remember that Christ will never forsake you.

-Mrs. C

Battling Bed Rest Depression and Other Not So Fun Things

As I'm sure most of you know by now I've been on modified bed rest for almost 6 weeks. And to anyone that knows anything about me, you know that being bedridden with no company throughout the day has been especially hard on me. Since my back has just about left me incapable of taking care of myself or my daughter on my own most days she's been spending time at my mom's a lot more often than I'd like. Only because I miss her terribly and she was my only source of company.

At first I thought I'd be able to handle resting as much as I need to. I definitely invited the break and the excuse to lay in bed most of the day. But as the days wore on and they turned into weeks I could feel myself slipping into a depression.

Due to needing bed rest I had to leave my job before I intended to go on maternity leave and the financial strain has been a huge burden on our family without that extra income. I could see in my husbands eyes the stress and worry of bills, my health, the baby's health, our other 3 kids, the house work, his job, just everything was weighing on him tremendously. So I didn't add to it by letting him know just how lonely I was feeling or how worthless I've been feeling because I cant get any of the typical house work done that I normally do.

In my minds eye I needed to help him rise above his stress and help him place all of it on The Lord. I focused so much time and energy on trying to raise him up and lift his spirits that I didn't take care of my own emotional and mental wars that were raging at full speed in my mind and heart.

One thing my best friend knows about me is that I don't let myself cry. Not because I find it a weakness or because I'm above it, but because if I have a reason to cry and I let myself start, it will take days before its out of my system. This is far from healthy and I'm trying to work on it.
Finally, two days ago, I broke and just cried. I finally opened up to my loving husband and let him know all the things that were bothering me and all the weight I've been feeling. I couldn't even call to tell him because I was crying so much and so hard I wouldn't be able to actually speak. So I wrote it all down. Which in my opinion is a better way to communicate when you're emotional. You can look and read for yourself what you're thinking and make sure its worded the right way where it won't hurt the one you're trying to talk with. Without going in to details we know the things that both of us need to work on to make sure our spouse isn't battling emotions and stress on their own. Isn't that what marriage is about? Leaning on each other, supporting each other no matter what, and reminding each other to look to Christ for the answers and not ourselves? The worst thing you can do in a marriage is act like you're all you have and your spouse isn't there to help you. Dont follow the myth that you're the only one who has your back and dont believe that its better to appear strong than to let your spouse in and let them see the vulnerable side of yourself.

I'm still in a pretty dark place. And recent situations that have come up today have made it that much harder on me, but instead of keeping it to myself I told my husband. Just like every couple we have issues, but none of them are too great that we can't handle without God as our center. And with opening up more to each other I know that we'll be ok.

Dont be afraid to speak up and let your feelings and opinions be heard. Your voice matters tremendously in your marriage. After all, you make up half of the relationship. Understand the difference between things that aren't to be compromised that you need to stand your ground on: inappropriate behaviors, habits that make you very uncomfortable,  or anything that just makes you queasy or feel that its just plain wrong is something to speak up about. But if its just something that you dont like but won't put any harm on your marriage then you need to talk about compromise. Find a way to find a happy medium that you both can live with. But never let a gut wrenching feeling that what your spouse is doing is wrong keep you from speaking up about it. It might not be fixed immediately and you might have to both work on it together or get some counsel, but in the end the both of you will grow closer and your marriage will be stronger.

Depression is real, and if you're ever not feeling like yourself or find that you're sad or unaffected on the daily you should find someone to talk to. Whether its your best friend, family, pastor, counselor, or another member of your church. Find someone to talk to that won't pass judgement and truly wants to help you get better and be happy again.

Thanks to my mom and thanks to finally opening up to my husband I am on the road to being ok with being stuck in a bed all day long until my son is here in 10 weeks. Its one thing to logically know what you're supposed to do and what you're supposed to avoid, but feeling it first hand and letting anyone see that raw part of you is hard. But please dont underestimate the benefit of releasing that tension and stress. Even if its slight, you'll feel better.

-Mrs. C

What to do With Baby Blues?

Lately, I've been feeling incredibly useless. Being on bed rest has been beyond challenging for me. I've never been the one to not have some sort of plan to make income or to get into school. So being told I had to leave my job for a permanent place on my bed made my heart drop into my stomach. Of course I'll do anything to keep myself healthy so my baby boy will have all he needs before he makes his appearance in the world, but that doesn't mean its easy.

Yesterday was my daughter Julia's 4th birthday and I wanted to do my best to make it special even though we're struggling tremendously since I'm not working. So we went to toys r us for her free balloon and crown for the birthday club and she picked out 2 small toys, one of which was covered by her $3 card she got from Geoffrey the Giraffe himself. We spent a good amount of time in the store because Julia also helped me with my last registry before the baby shower next month. She loves 'shopping' for her baby brother. Even tho it needed to be done and even tho I wanted to keep going to make my daughters day as special as I could but that didn't change the fact that I started to get contractions. (Don't worry I'm ok and so is baby boy, I only had a handful throughout the day.)

But despite what my body was telling me, I still took Julia with my mom to Chic Fil A. I wasn't about to crush my daughters heart by needing to go home and lay down, even if I knew it would be painful. All during lunch I sat and hydrated while watching her play just thankful that at least her pregnancy wasn't as difficult as Oliver's.

Once back to my moms for cake and presents I put my feet up but still didn't glue myself to the lazy boy like my mom kept telling me to do and like I knew I should be doing. Julia loved the amazing gifts that my mom got for her and loved the cake even more. (Mostly because it was blue) We came home and let her play with her new toys until she fell asleep.

Today... well, today I wasn't feeling very full of worth. I spent all day in bed minus the 10 minutes it took to get Julia breakfast and lunch. I couldn't walk far, going down the stairs was something I dreaded, and forget even being able to play with Julia. I was hating myself and even tho I'm happy about being pregnant and love my son unconditionally, I was angry today. I don't know if it's been my prego hormones or just being fed up with constantly being home surrounded by so many things that I KNOW I can get done normally but right now I'm simply not allowed according to the dr.

I guess I kind of just had enough. I'm home all day long and my husband is out slaving at a highly physically demanding job then  come home to clean and wait on me? I was not a helpless damsel that needed to be waited on. I've always taken care of myself and my daughter and any one else that needed anything. Call it being bad at accepting help or being terrible at letting someone do something for me. But back pain and all I went downstairs and started cleaning the kitchen. Despite what my parents might think, cleaning is a form of therapy for me when I feel super emotional. I just kept cleaning even when my back hurt so bad I wanted to cry. I kept cleaning even when it looked like too much to handle. I just kept going because I was sick and tired of feeling like I was worthless to my house and to my family.

Granted I'm paying for my cleaning rage with back pain but I haven't had any contractions and what's even better than that is the fact that I feel like I DID something instead of just laying in bed. Even tho its just the kitchen, I feel like that's what I need to be doing. Keeping our house spotless and our kids entertained and educated.

I used to teach Julia preschool lessons every day, have regular cleaning and laundry days, be on a schedule, but now there's no structure, no rhyme or reason to my day except survival and I can't stand it.

Thankfully, my husbands view of me and who I am is very different from mine. He reminded me of what I've accomplished in his eyes, and reminded me not to be hard on myself because this is only temporary and we get the most amazing blessing out of all the difficulties. God bless my husband. Because even though I knew all of these things I don't think I knew I could accept it. I didn't know that it was OK to let people help. I didn't know it was OK for me to be a little selfish and take care of myself first if I need it.

I might have broke down a little but as ever, my husband was there to keep me from falling too far down the rabbit hole. He has been my saving grace since he walked into my life and saved me from a loveless life of continuing to grow cold towards anything other than my daughter. He saved me from so much more than I think he realizes. And I don't know where I would be without him today.

Ultimately, its ok if we have a moment of vulnerability. Its ok if we let someone else take the reins to help us. No matter how long we need it. As long as we never let go of that drive to do and be better. Its ok to do what you have to in order to reset and clear your head. Even if it makes you feel a little crazy ;) because I'm sure we've all felt like that at least once in our lives.

After all... sometimes you have to let yourself fall apart so God can put the pieces back together.

-Mrs. C