Lately, I've been feeling incredibly useless. Being on bed rest has been beyond challenging for me. I've never been the one to not have some sort of plan to make income or to get into school. So being told I had to leave my job for a permanent place on my bed made my heart drop into my stomach. Of course I'll do anything to keep myself healthy so my baby boy will have all he needs before he makes his appearance in the world, but that doesn't mean its easy.
Yesterday was my daughter Julia's 4th birthday and I wanted to do my best to make it special even though we're struggling tremendously since I'm not working. So we went to toys r us for her free balloon and crown for the birthday club and she picked out 2 small toys, one of which was covered by her $3 card she got from Geoffrey the Giraffe himself. We spent a good amount of time in the store because Julia also helped me with my last registry before the baby shower next month. She loves 'shopping' for her baby brother. Even tho it needed to be done and even tho I wanted to keep going to make my daughters day as special as I could but that didn't change the fact that I started to get contractions. (Don't worry I'm ok and so is baby boy, I only had a handful throughout the day.)
But despite what my body was telling me, I still took Julia with my mom to Chic Fil A. I wasn't about to crush my daughters heart by needing to go home and lay down, even if I knew it would be painful. All during lunch I sat and hydrated while watching her play just thankful that at least her pregnancy wasn't as difficult as Oliver's.
Once back to my moms for cake and presents I put my feet up but still didn't glue myself to the lazy boy like my mom kept telling me to do and like I knew I should be doing. Julia loved the amazing gifts that my mom got for her and loved the cake even more. (Mostly because it was blue) We came home and let her play with her new toys until she fell asleep.
Today... well, today I wasn't feeling very full of worth. I spent all day in bed minus the 10 minutes it took to get Julia breakfast and lunch. I couldn't walk far, going down the stairs was something I dreaded, and forget even being able to play with Julia. I was hating myself and even tho I'm happy about being pregnant and love my son unconditionally, I was angry today. I don't know if it's been my prego hormones or just being fed up with constantly being home surrounded by so many things that I KNOW I can get done normally but right now I'm simply not allowed according to the dr.
I guess I kind of just had enough. I'm home all day long and my husband is out slaving at a highly physically demanding job then come home to clean and wait on me? I was not a helpless damsel that needed to be waited on. I've always taken care of myself and my daughter and any one else that needed anything. Call it being bad at accepting help or being terrible at letting someone do something for me. But back pain and all I went downstairs and started cleaning the kitchen. Despite what my parents might think, cleaning is a form of therapy for me when I feel super emotional. I just kept cleaning even when my back hurt so bad I wanted to cry. I kept cleaning even when it looked like too much to handle. I just kept going because I was sick and tired of feeling like I was worthless to my house and to my family.
Granted I'm paying for my cleaning rage with back pain but I haven't had any contractions and what's even better than that is the fact that I feel like I DID something instead of just laying in bed. Even tho its just the kitchen, I feel like that's what I need to be doing. Keeping our house spotless and our kids entertained and educated.
I used to teach Julia preschool lessons every day, have regular cleaning and laundry days, be on a schedule, but now there's no structure, no rhyme or reason to my day except survival and I can't stand it.
Thankfully, my husbands view of me and who I am is very different from mine. He reminded me of what I've accomplished in his eyes, and reminded me not to be hard on myself because this is only temporary and we get the most amazing blessing out of all the difficulties. God bless my husband. Because even though I knew all of these things I don't think I knew I could accept it. I didn't know that it was OK to let people help. I didn't know it was OK for me to be a little selfish and take care of myself first if I need it.
I might have broke down a little but as ever, my husband was there to keep me from falling too far down the rabbit hole. He has been my saving grace since he walked into my life and saved me from a loveless life of continuing to grow cold towards anything other than my daughter. He saved me from so much more than I think he realizes. And I don't know where I would be without him today.
Ultimately, its ok if we have a moment of vulnerability. Its ok if we let someone else take the reins to help us. No matter how long we need it. As long as we never let go of that drive to do and be better. Its ok to do what you have to in order to reset and clear your head. Even if it makes you feel a little crazy ;) because I'm sure we've all felt like that at least once in our lives.
After all... sometimes you have to let yourself fall apart so God can put the pieces back together.
-Mrs. C
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