As I'm sure most of you know by now I've been on modified bed rest for almost 6 weeks. And to anyone that knows anything about me, you know that being bedridden with no company throughout the day has been especially hard on me. Since my back has just about left me incapable of taking care of myself or my daughter on my own most days she's been spending time at my mom's a lot more often than I'd like. Only because I miss her terribly and she was my only source of company.
At first I thought I'd be able to handle resting as much as I need to. I definitely invited the break and the excuse to lay in bed most of the day. But as the days wore on and they turned into weeks I could feel myself slipping into a depression.
Due to needing bed rest I had to leave my job before I intended to go on maternity leave and the financial strain has been a huge burden on our family without that extra income. I could see in my husbands eyes the stress and worry of bills, my health, the baby's health, our other 3 kids, the house work, his job, just everything was weighing on him tremendously. So I didn't add to it by letting him know just how lonely I was feeling or how worthless I've been feeling because I cant get any of the typical house work done that I normally do.
In my minds eye I needed to help him rise above his stress and help him place all of it on The Lord. I focused so much time and energy on trying to raise him up and lift his spirits that I didn't take care of my own emotional and mental wars that were raging at full speed in my mind and heart.
One thing my best friend knows about me is that I don't let myself cry. Not because I find it a weakness or because I'm above it, but because if I have a reason to cry and I let myself start, it will take days before its out of my system. This is far from healthy and I'm trying to work on it.
Finally, two days ago, I broke and just cried. I finally opened up to my loving husband and let him know all the things that were bothering me and all the weight I've been feeling. I couldn't even call to tell him because I was crying so much and so hard I wouldn't be able to actually speak. So I wrote it all down. Which in my opinion is a better way to communicate when you're emotional. You can look and read for yourself what you're thinking and make sure its worded the right way where it won't hurt the one you're trying to talk with. Without going in to details we know the things that both of us need to work on to make sure our spouse isn't battling emotions and stress on their own. Isn't that what marriage is about? Leaning on each other, supporting each other no matter what, and reminding each other to look to Christ for the answers and not ourselves? The worst thing you can do in a marriage is act like you're all you have and your spouse isn't there to help you. Dont follow the myth that you're the only one who has your back and dont believe that its better to appear strong than to let your spouse in and let them see the vulnerable side of yourself.
I'm still in a pretty dark place. And recent situations that have come up today have made it that much harder on me, but instead of keeping it to myself I told my husband. Just like every couple we have issues, but none of them are too great that we can't handle without God as our center. And with opening up more to each other I know that we'll be ok.
Dont be afraid to speak up and let your feelings and opinions be heard. Your voice matters tremendously in your marriage. After all, you make up half of the relationship. Understand the difference between things that aren't to be compromised that you need to stand your ground on: inappropriate behaviors, habits that make you very uncomfortable, or anything that just makes you queasy or feel that its just plain wrong is something to speak up about. But if its just something that you dont like but won't put any harm on your marriage then you need to talk about compromise. Find a way to find a happy medium that you both can live with. But never let a gut wrenching feeling that what your spouse is doing is wrong keep you from speaking up about it. It might not be fixed immediately and you might have to both work on it together or get some counsel, but in the end the both of you will grow closer and your marriage will be stronger.
Depression is real, and if you're ever not feeling like yourself or find that you're sad or unaffected on the daily you should find someone to talk to. Whether its your best friend, family, pastor, counselor, or another member of your church. Find someone to talk to that won't pass judgement and truly wants to help you get better and be happy again.
Thanks to my mom and thanks to finally opening up to my husband I am on the road to being ok with being stuck in a bed all day long until my son is here in 10 weeks. Its one thing to logically know what you're supposed to do and what you're supposed to avoid, but feeling it first hand and letting anyone see that raw part of you is hard. But please dont underestimate the benefit of releasing that tension and stress. Even if its slight, you'll feel better.
-Mrs. C
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