'No Big Deal, Just Do Better Next Time'

As a parent or anyone that deals with kids, it's easy to see children freak out and wonder, 'What on earth are you thinking?!' or 'Come on, you have to be smarter than to pull something like that!' I, myself, have been there many times in the past. My kids aren't perfect, just like I'm not perfect. But today, I realized something.

Due to some bad choices earlier in the week, one of my work children needed me to accompany him in the classroom at his school this morning. He had completely destroyed the classroom and flung papers, books, markers, crayons, you name it everywhere. He had a literal 'freak out'. When I walked him to class and watched him walk into the classroom, I expected the kids to be a little afraid of him blowing his fuse again. Or even be a little cruel like some kids can be by saying they didn't want to be friends with him anymore. The kids were a little surprised and chatted about him being back in the class because he was suspended for a few days.

My heart softened as an autistic little boy walked up to my work child and simply stated, 'Hey man, what you did the other day? That wasn't cool. But you're ok. Just don't do that anymore.' The rest of the hour or so that I spent watching the kids in the classroom, the more that I realized the kids weren't afraid of him, they weren't saying mean things, and most of all they were accepting and forgiving him for his 'freak out' earlier that week.

The more I thought about it the more I understood, that as a parent, I don't accept my kids 'freak outs' as much as I should. Haven't we all been there? Lost our temper on the road or just snapped at someone for something that wasn't their fault? How many times have we, as adults, had our own 'freak outs' that we had to accept, that friends and family had to accept and learn from in order to move on? I can think of numerous occassions for myself if I'm being honest.

How amazing would it be if every parent could harness this sort of zen attitude towards children's mistakes and freak outs? Of course kids will always push their limits and of course parents will always come to a point where they will be frustrated in one way or another, but if we could take a step back and just think to ourselves, 'How would I want someone to react to my so called 'freak out' if I just was having a rough day and couldn't contain it?' I'm positive NONE of us would choose to be scolded, spanked, or punished.

Now don't get me wrong, kids still need discipline and clear lines of what they should and should not do, but just like us, they're human and make mistakes. I know I touched on this a little bit in my 'Patience? Ain't No Body Got Time For That' post but this is a little more focused on accepting that our children are mini humans. Not only are they human just like us who make mistakes, but they're very young and have so so much to learn and grow from.

One thing that I'm learning as a parent more and more every day is that I need to take a breath before I just react. I need to understand that when Julia has a melt down because she can't get something that she wants, or decides to show a little attitude when she's told she can't have another piece of candy, that she's only reacting the way any person would react if they really wanted something and someone just told them no when that person had their hopes up. Now, obviously having that type of an attitude isn't okay, but as a parent my husband and I need to nurture and help her understand why her reaction is rude and saddening to us as her parents.

I urge all of you parents, guardians, mentors, or anyone that works with kids to take a step back when the child in your care is having a full blown melt down, 'freak out', or tantrum. Understand that even though it makes no sense to you why it's such a big deal, in their mind's it makes perfect sense. It's such a struggle trying to find the perfect balance between being firm with your children and being soft with them. I know that I'm going to do my best to try and understand that even though not being able to play with that specific toy right now might not make much sense to me, that to my kids it's an earth shattering event. A child's work is play and with that we need to remember that we are so much farther in life than our kids are.

Eventually, I want to get to the mind set of that sweet little boy who came up to my work child. It's no big, just do your best to get it right next time. Children learn through trail and error just like most of the rest of us. They need to understand and know that we accept them and love them entirely, not just on their good days. I think that's one of my biggest fears. That one day my kids will stop coming to me because they fear my reaction. And I never want them to feel that way.

Every child makes mistakes just like every adult makes mistakes. Our kids need to know that as long as they strive to be better on their next attempt, their 'freak out' is normal and accepted as a fact. Not to be encouraged, but to be taken and used as a tool to mold our children into the adults that we ultimately wish them to be. A good person.

-Mrs. C

Patience. Ain't no body got time for that!

Some of you may know that throughout my entire adult life, and through most of my teen years, my main focus as far as a career has been working with kids. From babysitting, to teaching Sunday school classes, to day care teaching, to my current job as a group home worker. One thing that everyone always comments to me is that if it were them they would lose their minds because they don't have near enough patience to deal with as many kids as frequently as I do.

Can I be the first to say that one of my biggest struggles in life is patience?! And can anyone guess where in my life I struggle with patience most? That's right. With kids! But you've devoted almost your whole adult career to children in one form or another, how can you have an issue with this? Shouldn't you have it down to a science by now? Please excuse me while I just giggle for a moment. ;)

The thing that I've realized is that despite my issues with patience, it's my deep desire to be with children and help them grow that allows me to learn how to be patient in different aspects of caring for kids. Whether it's kids that I'm working with or my own kids at home. In either surrounding I can get easily frustrated and very impatient with the kids that just seem to be having a rough day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a constant fire cracker going off on them, but let me say that sometimes I do feel like ripping out my hair would be less painful than having to repeat myself twenty times over again in a matter of minutes.

With kids, I've always had the mind set that at a certain age kids should "know better" than to do or say certain things in every day living. About a week ago I was listening to my Christian radio station and the topic was about teaching kids. From teaching them right from wrong to teaching them how to avoid certain accidents. I also read my good friend, Sarah's blog that touched on this subject as well. (Check her out you won't be disappointed! mudpiesandminivans.blogspot.com)

When we're born, as infants we know virtually nothing. Other than when we're hungry so we cry, we're dirty so we cry, etc. we have everything to learn! So, when dealing with children, we have to remember and understand that until it is taught to be second nature to them, they truly don't "know better" like we've always tried to insist upon.

Kids have to be taught that tipping an open top cup completely upside down is going to cause the insides to completely fall to the floor or on themselves. They have to be shown the proper way to do things. From setting things down nicely, to putting toys away, to bathing themselves, so on and so forth. Literally, everything in life needs to be taught to our children. And no matter how many times we repeat ourselves over and over and over, they won't truly "know better" until they have been shown, taught, told, helped so many times that it becomes etched into their minds that 'hey, when I grab a book from the top shelf that's under other books, the rest of them are going to fall down.' or 'If I climb on this bookshelf that looks like a mountain, my weight is going to make it fall and hurt me or even kill me.'

As adults, we've already gone through this process. We've already been taught the things that we should do and the things that we should avoid doing, no matter how simple or dramatic those things might be.

Something I have to constantly remind myself while I'm working, is that these kids all came from very bad backgrounds and homes. They don't just have to learn how to do things and how to become independent, but they also have to learn how to deal with emotions and scars, both emotional and physical, that kids should never have to deal with. There's a whole other layer on insecurities and fear that's smothered on top of every child's already wavering insecurity in themselves and fear of failing.

Children actually aren't that different from adults. They have similar fears to what we have. Fear of failure, fear of being rejected, fear of authority. Or even some more simplistic fears, such as, being afraid of the dark, or clowns, or insects, or heights. (All of which, I myself am afraid of in some degree.)

It's harder with my work kids to soothe and comfort their fears and insecurities because they're less likely to open up or trust that someone truly cares for them because the family that was supposed to always be there for them, mistreated them so badly that they were taken away. Or they were just given up of the family's own free will, which to some degree seems worse! With my own kids, it's easy to pick them up when they're crying and hold them while giving them encouraging words to calm their fear and ease whatever insecurity they might be dealing with.

My step daughter, Leila, has had many insecurities that she's been dealing with in recent months. From getting a new family with her daddy getting married, to her mom being busy and Leila feels like she's been forgotten. The whole situation with my husband's ex is not only personal, but it's an entire story in and of itself. The point, is that Leila has been struggling with her fear of being replaced by me or my daughter or the new baby in her dad's life, to the fear of her mom never spending time with her during the week. I love this little girl very much and love spending time with her, but I have to say that it breaks my heart to see her hurting. Or any child for that matter. Because in all honesty, it should never hurt to be a child.

Ultimately, we need to remember as adults, as parents, as teachers, as mentors, as aunts and uncles and cousins, or anyone who deals with kids in any form, that they are still learning, they don't have all of the knowledge and know how that we do from our lives. God has definitely helped open my eyes to the fact that I need to be more compassionate, more understanding, and of course more patient with the children that are in my life.

Having the understanding that all kids are at different stages in their lives and that they each have different issues that they're dealing with that needs to be taken into account as well, will truly help you in being more patient and more understanding towards that child. Granted, this isn't something I've always thought about or known, but in recent days it's helped tremendously!

-Mrs. C